Submitted by Becca in AR (You can read more from Becca by visiting here.)
We have two sons. The oldest, Will, was born to us, and the youngest, Cy, is our son through adoption. Oddly enough, they look very much alike… and not so much like my husband and me. Someone said to us today, “You know, they look so much alike, they could pass for real brothers.” I felt like someone punched me in the stomach I don’t expect others to react in the same way. In fact, I don’t even expect people not to say things like that. I really don’t. They mean nothing by it. I know that.
My biggest problem lies in the fact that I have no idea what to say in response. What did I do today? I simply lowered my head and waited for my blood pressure to go down while the conversation rolled into other subjects. I said nothing. Will’s a smart kid; he understands a lot more than people give him credit for. I never want him to hear that he and Cy are not “real” brothers. I would never want Cy to hear that either, of course, but my immediate concern is Will because he’s old enough to hear and understand right now. On the other end of that, I don’t want to create a permanent chip on the shoulder of our family by constantly correcting and “educating” people about adoption. I should have responded today, as silence so often indicates agreement, but I didn’t know what to say. I know this is only the beginning of my ignorance, my questions, and my struggle to do this well. Let me say for the record: I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve read for months about adoption– books, articles, essays, blogs, you name it. I’ve tried to read accounts from every perspective in the world of adoption. I still don’t know how to handle such a simple comment. Maybe it will get easier, and maybe it will be like everything else in my life… the more I know, the more I realize I have a lot to learn.
yes I totally agree with previous posters, just correct them by saying your mean biological because they are real brothers. People can be ignorant and not realize what they are saying in certain situations. I get this all the time about having twins, like are they “real” twins? Strange.
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I don’t see educating your friends and family as having a chip on your shoulder. Sometimes you just have to give people the correct words to use. For example next time you could respond that “Well of course they are ‘real’ brothers did you mean to say biological brothers?”
Recently when my mil was telling me about the “black people” that moved in next door I knew what she was trying to insinuate. Instead of getting in a fight with her about I just said “What is wrong with that?” She proceeded to tell me she didn’t have a problem with their skin color just that they were trouble makers. So I told her next time she could say “Some troublemakers moved in next door.” I was actually quite surprised that this worked! In recent convo’s with her she has actually changed her wording! So you see it could have a very positive effect on not just you but other families this person interacts with.
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We have been asked about our son’s adoption by casual acquaintances, some inappropriate, some just plain ignorant. We have heard the term ‘real’, etc and we respond firmly and kindly, looking directly at the person. If it’s inappropriate, we tell them. If a term needs to be corrected, we do so. We make no apologies for this because we need our son to see us as a team- that we stand together and are always on his side no matter who, no matter what. So far there has been no backlash (!) I know it’s hard but you can do it.
Thanks for reading and commenting, guys. It does seem to getting easier with time, maybe because his adoption is not such a novelty anymore. Because of his adoption story (which will be posted here eventually), it was the talk of the town for a while. Now he’s just our son, and most people don’t even think about the fact that he’s adopted… well, at least not aloud.
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Wow! It never ceases to amaze me how casually rude people are about things that are none of their business.
I think in those situations, I’d try my hardest to maintain a neutral tone (which would be hard since sarcasm is my native tongue) and reply “Yes because they are real brothers.” And immediately change the subject to how great her hair looks or how beautiful the weather is. Anything to avoid the “Oh, but I meant … ” that would be sure to follow.
And people will be embarrassed because that’s what happens when we’re called out on our rudeness. But what you’re saying is more for yourself and your family to hear than to try to change anyone’s mind.
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I have 7 adopted siblings, and I totally know what you mean…I’m not sure what else to say…but I definitely understand!
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I’m no expert, just a mom navigating through life with three boys. We are just really up front with all the kids about how they came to our family. We often look at all the boys baby books to illustrate the stories we tell.
We were blessed to receive our third son, Kyler, by adoption. The older boys, Colton and Asher, have always been very protective of their “brother from another mother”. (that’s what they used to say!) Once Kyler’s half/biological brother was visiting, Colton could see how much he looked like Kyler. He told me later, “He looks like he could have been Kyler’s brother…but he’s not, HE’S OURS!”
Kyler is now almost five and once in awhile says things that warm my heart. He told his dad this one day, “Dad, when I was born I saw you and said “Hi Dad” and you said “Whoa, he knows my name!” and I said “I knowed because I was supposed to be in this family!”
You will however, continue to find people that will be rude (whether they meant to be or not) when casually talking about the most important thing to you - your children! Every situation is different, sometimes I let it go, sometimes I speak up and sometimes I get home and clarify what was said with my kids.
I agree with Stephanie that you are raising your boys in a home of love….that’s really the most important thing.
This is such a great post!! My husband and I considering adopting if we decide to have a second child (our first is due in May) and, since it’s yeeeeeeeears down the line, I haven’t given it tons of thought.
He IS his real brother, regardless of genetic link. You guys all know this, and as they grow together, they’ll know it inherently. People are always going to say SOMETHING–if they were biologically brothers, then the’d have something else to say. I’m sure both of your sons will grow up in a home of love, and that’s what’s the most important.
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I was taken in by my aunt and uncle when I was nine years old, to be raised by them in their already large family. To this day, I much prefer to be called a sister than a cousin; and I remember being very sensitive about what my “role” was in the family. Granted, this was a very different situation from being adopted as a baby or toddler, but I think that the more you can reinforce that Cy is a true, full-fledged member of your family, the more secure he will feel. I have no idea what the best kind of response in situations like these might be, but I think it’s good that you’re thinking about these things while both of your sons are young, because it will become increasingly more important as they grow older.
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