Submitted by Jill from Modern Mommy Blog
Since most people who have not been touched by adoption are not familiar with adoption-friendly language I thought I would post a few pointers.
I know that for me before I became an adoptive mother I had no idea that saying certain things could be incorrect or hurtful.
So here we go…
-Family’s who have adopted do not just have “adopted children” they are “adoptive families”. It is a title the whole family shares not just the child.
-Some birth mothers like to be called “biological mothers” and some like to be called “first mothers”
-Some people just don’t want to always be answering questions about their child’s personal history. So, when you see a child that looks different from their family keep in mind that they might not want to discuss everything. If you are just dying to know you could drop a hint like “Your daughter has such beautiful dark eyes” or “I love her skin tone” and leave it up to the parent if they want to offer more information.
-Please never ask, “Where is her real mother?” Besides the fact that the adoptive mother is also a “real” mother often times if you don’t know the person well this is a much too personal question to be asking.
Another phrase to avoid is “Where did you get her?” If you are curious about where the child was born you could say “Where was she born?” or “What is her ethnicity?”
-And please please never ask a parent “How much did she cost?” There are fees involved with adoption just like there are hospital fees when you give birth to a baby. Unfortunately there is no adoption insurance that helps to pay for these fees. Unless you are seriously considering adoption and want to know the fees for personal reasons please don’t ask.
Ultimately us adoptive parents have been there ourselves so we understand that not everyone knows adoption etiquette. Just try to remain respectful of boundaries and conscious of the words you use. The vast majority of people are just curious and want to know about adoption but there are a few that are just malicious.
Some things that I never thought twice about before but that now bug me are…
-When people or agencies use the term adopted for animals, highways, or even dolls
-Telling me that my child is lucky (We are the lucky ones)
-When somebody says in front of her “How could anybody give her up?” or “How could her mother not have wanted her?”
-When someone introduces my daughter as… “This is Jill’s daughter Eva, she is adopted.”
It is difficult to know what each person’s boundaries are so if you are curious about adoption and want to know more about a family’s experience you can just say. “I have some questions are you comfortable discussing your child’s adoption?”
For me it depends on what mood I am in that day, although I HATE being caught off-guard. I really don’t like being rude so sometimes I just answer the question and then a few minutes later wish I had given a different response. We do have boundaries about how much information we discuss. For example details of her biological family are personal to her. When she is old enough she can choose whether or not to share those details but it is not for us to disclose to others.
Thanks for reading! 
Jill -
Well done! These terms are so common to those of us who live with them and yet somewhat awkward for others. Thanks for trying to educate and help others.
Janis,
Thank you for the feedback. I didn’t even realize that I had written biological until you pointed it out. I meant to write “birth mother”. I do know a few birth mothers who do prefer that term.
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Amy B. That is your experience and so it is valid. For me I feel that making an adoption plan is absolutley an act of motherhood or parenting. In most cases the relinquished child will always be a part of the first parents life even if they never see them again. When you entrust the care of your child to another set of parents you are doing something completely selfless purely for the sake of your child.
In cases where the child has been removed from the home because of abuse I could understand that it would be a different story.
Jill@ModernMommyBlog’s last blog post..Entertainment on a Tight Budget
Well as a adopted child AND as a adoptive mama I have to say that the term Bio-parent was always a great way for me to understand and explain who my parents were…and…I never thought of my bio parents as mom/dad because they absolutely were not parents in any sense other than a biological. If you have nothing to do with a child post birth how are you a mom? A parent? In thought only? Not trying to be crazy harsh but this is just my own experience/thoughts.
I’ve been a practicing psychotherapist for 35 years, a (birth)Mother for 40 years, and have worked with adoption triad members for the past 18 years. I inquire always about the language in the adoption arena with its members. I have yet to ever, ever hear a mother who has relinquished her child for adoption reacting favorably to being called, or referred to as, the ‘biological mother.’ It sounds cold, sterile, and detached like mechanical breeding machines…which was/is hardly the case.
Your article was very informative and I hope you will impart this information as well.
A ‘Mother’ is a mother, the one who gives birth and the one who parents. Both of these ‘Mothers’ love their (not ‘the’) child.
Adoption Center for Counseling, Education, and Research, Inc.
Henderson, Nevada
Wonderful advice….from a mom of both adoped and bio.
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