Submitted by Natasha in Alberta, Canada
(To read more about Natasha, visit her website Becoming Something.)
Nine years ago, at 12:42 pm, I became a mom and Jude became a dad. In that time, we’ve learned a few things:
Back labour is not a myth.
Change pads are for wimps. The dirty diaper IS its own change pad.
Baby vomiting is like Pearl Harbour: both happen with out warning.
If you’re someone who “sleeps like a baby”, get thyself to a sleep clinic. Fast.
Baby poop defies gravity. Put it this way– don’t forget to check behind their ears.
You WILL, at some point, regret having children.
You WILL, at some point, want to have more children.
Babies and toddlers are unbearably cute so that you’ll be able to endure their misery. Babies and toddlers are miserable so you won’t miss their cuteness too much. This may be the most insightful realization I’ve ever come up with.
You will realize how stupid you must have sounded, pre-kids, talking for 20 minutes about how cute your cats are.
You will develop a love/hate relationship with McDonald’s.
Even though no one has been able to win an argument against you about the immorality, harmfulness, and ineffectiveness of spanking, you will probably end up spanking your child on more than a couple occasions and then feel stupider than Britney Spears driving with her baby on her lap.
Close the windows when washing your children’s hair in the bath or Child Protection Services might come knocking.
Child CAN live on bread alone.
Dora may have trouble making friends in her own species but she makes a very good babysitter.
All children are born wanting to share as much as Hitler wanted to share Poland.
You should take lots of photos of your abs pre-kids. For the fond memories.
Parents with well behaved, easy children take all the credit while parents with monster children blame anything and everything else. Really, either way, a lot of luck is involved.
Children revert into a perpendicular position in bed, no matter how many times you turn them. It’s like how fish flip upside down when they die– no one knows why.
Parents who don’t believe in soothers (pacifiers) don’t make enough long distance drives.
Forget the stain remover and just buy clothes at rich neighborhood yards sales. You’ll save four months of your life.
There’s nothing wrong with wearing ear plugs, covered by ear muffs, while glaring at your children. It’s good for their egos.
Babies know when you want to have sex. They don’t really want siblings.
Having a shower with a sleeping, soothed baby is one of the most sublime experiences you could ever have.
Your baby signing “thank you” to you after breastfeeding can fill you with love for anyone– even Ann Coulter.
Being squirted in the ear with pee from your baby boy is a rite of passage.
Explosive baby poop in your face? It happens.
Teaching your children that “fair” does not mean “equal” will save your sanity more than coffee ever could.
Children don’t ask, “Does my butt look big in this diaper?” They always think they are beautiful.
Having children is like having your insides gaping, wounded and you never want them to heal.
It only gets harder, much harder, as they get older. You can only do so much when they are babies to permanently screw them up. So, have a plan but be prepared to throw it out the window, if necessary.
Learn humility, because one day, your children will be smarter than you. And when that day happens to be at age nine, you’ll need to earn their respect by virtue of your excellent character.
Nothing is sexier than seeing your spouse disheveled after being up all night with a sick child.
As Garrison Keillor says, nothing we do for children is ever wasted.
